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mattymac
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Name: Matt
Location: Belleville, Ontario, Canada
Birthday: 8/31/1985
Gender: Male
Interests: music (all kinds and yes that does include country), playing guitar and bass, life, love, liberty, the occasional disco, and sheet metal. everyone loves sheet metal.
Expertise: being me
Occupation: DJ
Industry: Entertainment/Drinking
Message: message meEmail: email me
MSN: mattdmackay@hotmail.com
Member Since:
2/10/2004
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| So...
i guess you could say it's been a while?
many things have happened in life, but i won't bore you with the details...can i say i won't bore "you" when really no one checks this anymore, and this is more of a cathartic exercise? I suppose really i can do whatever i want. sweet.
As i'm approaching graduation...again...from yet another program, i can honestly say that i think i've found what i want to do, at least for the next while. due to some unforeseen filing errors i need to get another birth certificate before i can complete my military application, but i should have it done within about 5 weeks. not short enough to get into the coming basic class in the summer, but i should make fall, or winter at the latest.
relationships:
why bother?
i have been dating a girl for a couple of weeks, we have lots of fun, laugh a lot, etc, but will it get serious? i hope not. serious relationships lead to ridiculous arguments, and then you never talk again.
Jaded?
most definitely.
I had to define that word for a friend of mine recently. There is nothing so depressing as those of us for whom english is a first language, that cannot understand a majority of the language. Personally, i weep at the state of our public education system. I realize that i cannot count on every person in my class at Loyalist to know how to spell "big" words such as "knowledge" or "something"...well wait a minute. Who the hell can't spell "something?" That's right, 19 and 20 year olds in my class truly believe it is spelt "sumthing."
As i said, i weep.
Music- Matt Nathanson is awesome. The Lonely Island makes me laugh. And "The Airborne Toxic Event" rocks my flippin' socks.
Does anyone remember the movie Titan A.E.? or is it just me that loves that dang movie? Honestly, it's just so good.
Writing in a stream of consciousness doesn't make for much reading fun, but i'd be lying if i said i didn't feel better after writing all this. I'm sure i'll find more things to be emo about later, but for now, i'm out.
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| i was talking with ma tonight, and i realized i should write a book. it's gonna be called "waiting for what God wants"
it'll be great. i already have the first three chapters planned out. they go something like this: While waiting for what God wants, don't do what He doesn't!
how's that for stating the bleeding obvious? and yet at the same time, i know i'm not the only person to ever do that.
i also know that i should know better. i'm just an idiot.
i left peterborough about a year and a half ago to come live in belleville and help mom and dad out and all that jazz. it was also to get away from what i knew was a bad situation. i did pretty well for about 8,9 months or so...then i seem to have gotten dumb. maybe it was the 1 year mark. but suddenly i start making these bad decisions, and it's snowballed since then. and at this point i'm trying to figure out how to get out of it all. the main problem is, i need a place where i can work, and live, and still be able to pay my student loans. i would love to just move to some place where no one knows me, or only certain people do...
don't get me wrong, i love my friends, but by choosing to hang out with the people i do, i've put myself in a place where it's far too easy for me to make bad decisions.
and it's not that i don't have options as to where to go. there are a couple things i've been praying about that seem like amazing opportunities, where i could serve God and have time to get back to who it is i'm supposed to be. but i can't pay my bills and do that...at least it wouldn't be easy. but then i suppose it isn't supposed to be easy now is it?
i dunno, i think in the end i've been taking the easy road rather than the one i know i need to, because i'm too afraid of failing...altho in the end the road i'm taking is a road of failure. and trust me, if you've ever worked in a call center for a year and a half, you know what stagnation feels like. not that i want to invalidate the lives of anyone that works in a call center...i just know i'm called to something bigger...and i hate having that feeling while i go and sit in a cube 5 days a week for 8 hours a day.
to be honest i've become someone i'm not. and if i don't change that soon, i'll be that person all the time...and yknow, that guy has "fun" and all that...but that life is without....it's lacking...and that lack is palpable.
and i'm to the point where i can't stand it and i have to change.
it's surprising how good it can feel to not like the way you're living. but the presence of a conscience must be good.
anyways, i'm praying about a couple things, and i'll be emailing a few people about those things to see if i can pursue them past the "matt idea" phase...that would be the time where i say i'm gonna do something, then don't because i'm too scared or too lazy.
what a moron i can be.
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| so recently i've been realizing that i'm a huge flirt. some of you are reading this going "well duh matty" but recently at work i was told that i was the biggest flirt on our contract. and i was trying to dispute it, but so many people, specifically women, agreed that i couldn't fight it. then yesterday one girl called me a manwhore. and sure she was joking, but it does lead to speculation, specifically, what exactly about me is it that leads to this? sure i wink jokingly and pull the joey line. for the "Friends" uneducated, that's "How you doin?" but does this mean i am a manwhore? i do it to get a smile out of people. i will admit i do joke around alot with people to try and make them have a better day, but really, is that such a bad thing? i've never thought so, but now i'm not so sure. i mean yes, being gregarious and extroverted is who i am. but should i be wary of exactly how that comes across, or how i put that into action? again, i've never thought so. but i am rethinking that as i'm not sure that i want that reputation in my workplace. honestly, i have been called the office manwhore. not that i do anything beyond joking, but apparently that is enough for people's perceptions to be skewed in that manner. it does require a lot of thought. not because i'm not sure that i don't want that reputation, but rather because i need to figure out how to be ME while cutting out all that. then i'll have to deal with some people being upset that i changed. but my real issue is i don't know how to stop "flirting." because alot of the time, i honestly don't know that i am. to me, i'm just joking around trying to get a smile out of people. so if anyone has any advice, leave a comment or email it to me. | | |
| yknow what's weird? this thing really is cathartic. after writing that post, and a bunch of prayer, i'm doing so much better. i've been in such a good mood for a couple days that i'm actually at the point where i'm kinda waiting for the other shoe to drop. at the same time i'm enjoying life. i've got an amazing family and good friends. what is there not to like? recently i seem to have been focusing so much more on the negative than the positive, and yknow what? that's just not good for you. it's just a bad thing to do. and you'd think that'd be obvious, but i'm apparently not always the most intelligent person. but then whilest thinking about that, i realized that christians, and indeed most people, tend to focus on the negative a whole lot. just take a look at the news. sure it's all news, but i'm certain there is a whole lot more positive things that could be reported, but aren't, because "oooh! 3 people got shot!" why not give us a total of births that day? how many people got help at the hospital? more stuff that is happy and good? the pursuit of happiness. it's guaranteed in the US Constitution. but then we set these stupid goals for happiness. i need to look a certain way, drive a certain car, and have a certain amount of money. things that don't effing matter. seriously. i've never been happier than when i'm spending time with people i love doing nothing but watching hockey or just talking and having a good time. so why do we pursue these useless things? i have no answer. but i do it too. anywho, chin up, life's a good time, especially when played as a team sport. | | |
| it has been a shitty day. and i'm not even sure why. ok so that's a lie. but still. i'm currently sitting at my desk wishing i was at home in bed. i'm not sick, i'm just tired of all the bs. i went to a bible study last night, i'm rather certain i won't be returning. what kind of a christian counsellor sits there with the WORST body language ever when people are giving their opinions on things? arms crossed, legs crossed, and the guy talked down at us. maybe it's pride but screw that. if i want to get talked to down to i come to work and get yelled at by customers. other people enjoyed it. which is a good thing. i just won't be going back. in other news, i think i've realized that women are truly evil. a buddy of mine is having a hard time of it and i realized i'm just tired of all that too...i'm rather sure i've said that before but oh well. honestly, at times i just want a woman to walk up to me and say "you're marrying me". i'd do it. it would take away some complications which are currently pissing me off. it would just add a whole bunch more cuz i hear marriage takes some work :p :) ah well. so far, i'm just blah. maybe tonight something awesome will happen. or something really shitty. who knows. i'm just looking forward to not being here. | | |
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